Monday, June 29, 2020

Jokes of the week for June 29

Pandemic joke:

How do you explain to your grandchildren how a person eating bat soup in China caused a toilet paper shortage?

Military joke:

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

Legal joke:

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when the attorney began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

Random Photo:

Happy Dog


Monday, June 22, 2020

Jokes of the week for June 22

Pandemic joke:

I've washed my hands so much because of COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 have resurfaced.

Military joke:

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
 

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.
 

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."
 

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

Legal joke:

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 


1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

Random Photo:

This cat is laughing at my jokes =)


Monday, June 15, 2020

Jokes of the week for June 15

Pandemic joke:

Things I've learned in the past two months:


1. This coronavirus is a novel [new] virus
2. The mortality rate is around 3%
3. It's transmitted much like a flu
4. The elderly and persons with compromised immune systems are the most susceptible to complications
5. I love touching my face

Military joke:

The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said:


"Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
 

The commander said: "I see millions of stars."
 

Sgt: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
 

Commander: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
 

Sgt: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Legal joke:

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Random Photo:

This cow is NOT social distancing!


Monday, June 8, 2020

Jokes of the week for June 8

Pandemic joke:
 

Nurse:  Your COVID-19 test came back positive.

Patient:  That can't be right.  I have more than 300 rolls of toilet paper.

Military joke:

A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."


The cadet replied: "Not me, Sarge…no sir!  I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."

Legal joke:

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.


The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Random Photo:

How many birds are in this photo?


Monday, June 1, 2020

Jokes of the week for June 1

Pandemic joke:

Day 2 without sports:  Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday.  Apparently she's my wife.  She seems nice.

Military joke:

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

Legal joke:

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Random Photo:

Why is it a "walk" when I'm not walking?


Monday, May 25, 2020

Jokes of the week for May 25!

Today is Memorial Day.  First, take time to remember those who died for our country.
 
Pandemic joke:

Day 1: I've stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for at least 3 months, maybe longer, so I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes for this pandemic to be over.

Day 1 plus 45 minutes: I'm in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix bar.

Military joke:

Two crows were flying lazily, minding their own business and enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting and wildly flapping crows. 

"OMG!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!" 

The other crow replies: "You would be too if you had two backsides and both of them were on fire!"

Legal joke:

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
 

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
 

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
 

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
 

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Random Photo:

This dog is tired of quarantine




Monday, May 18, 2020

Jokes of the week for May 18!

Pandemic joke:

Finally introverts experience a world that is suited for us.  All events cancelled, we don't even have to go through the trouble of flaking out.  No one is making random small talk or physical contact.  Everybody minding their own business.  Heaven.

Military joke:

A Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.  He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your car stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

Legal joke:
 

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

Random photo:

The things I put up with ............