I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.
PSA: Don't forget to change your clocks on November 1, 2020. Spring ahead, FALL BACK. Get that extra hour of sleep!
Just because there are no complaints, doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
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Monday, October 26, 2020
Monday, October 19, 2020
So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?
What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet?
The jet stops whining once you turn the engine off.
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. After a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the trial.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
Monday, October 12, 2020
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.
What’s the ideal cockpit crew? A dog and a pilot.
The pilot is there to feed the dog. The dog is flying so that he can bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Monday, October 5, 2020
PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.
A short list of problems reported by a pilot, followed by the mechanic’s response.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."
Monday, September 28, 2020
Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.
What’s the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. Doubt it? Stop the propeller and watch the pilot sweat.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
|Autumn is here!|
Monday, September 21, 2020
I need to practice social distancing from ... the refrigerator.
An F-16 comes careening down the runway. It’s anything but smooth — fishtailing and leaving a line of burnt rubber and sparks behind it.
Tower: “Need any assistance, Airman?”
Pilot: “I don’t know, Tower, we’re not done crashing yet!”
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
|Tomorrow is the first day of autumn!|
Monday, September 14, 2020
I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?
He says, “Enough about me. Want to hear about my plane?”
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
|Iceland in summer|