Jokes of the week for October 26

Pandemic joke:

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

PSA: Don't forget to change your clocks on November 1, 2020.  Spring ahead, FALL BACK.  Get that extra hour of sleep!

Military joke:

Just because there are no complaints, doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

Legal joke:

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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Jokes of the week for October 19

Pandemic joke:

So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

Military joke:

What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet?

The jet stops whining once you turn the engine off.

Legal joke:

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. After a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the trial.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

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Jokes of the week for October 12

Pandemic joke:

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.

Military joke:

What’s the ideal cockpit crew? A dog and a pilot.

The pilot is there to feed the dog. The dog is flying so that he can bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

Legal joke:

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

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Jokes of the week for October 5

Pandemic joke:

PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.

Military joke:

A short list of problems reported by a pilot, followed by the mechanic’s response.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

Legal joke:

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. 

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

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Autumn colors