Jokes of the week for December 28

Pandemic joke:

Day 110 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.

Day 111 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

 

Military joke:

Avoid being the first, the last, and the volunteer.
 

Incoming fire has the right of way.


Legal joke:

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer smiles and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

 

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for December 21

Pandemic joke:

I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping. 

 

Military joke:

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?”
 

“My father said it’d be a good idea, sir.”
 

“Oh? And what does your father do?”
 

“He’s in the Army, sir.”

~~

Navy pilot: “That’s it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!”
 

Co-pilot: “What?”

 

Legal joke:

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

 

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for December 14

Pandemic joke:

Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You must gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Military joke:

A kid fresh from high school wants to join the Navy. “Can you swim?” asks the recruiter.
“Why? Don’t y’all have boats?”

Air Force Pilot to a Seaman: “You’re telling me that you’re in the Navy but can’t swim?”
Seaman: “You’re in the Air Force. Can you fly?”

Legal joke:

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. 

 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. 

 

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. 

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. 

 

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. 

 

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Random Photo:

Christmas is coming!

Jokes of the week for December 7

Pandemic joke:

Day 256 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited I can’t decide what to wear.

Military joke:

Helicopter nicknames
USAF: Birds
USA: Choppers
USN: Helos
USMC: OHH! OHH OHOH! (pointing at the sky)

Legal joke:

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Random Photo:

California Fire Tornado, 2020