Jokes of the week for August 31

Pandemic joke:

"Anyone else's car getting three weeks to the gallon?"

"Never in my life would I imagine that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth."

Military joke:

Emergency management: “Always remember that if one engine fails on a dual-engine plane, you’ll still have enough power to safely reach the scene of the crash.”

Legal joke:

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Random Photo:

I'd love to live here!

Jokes of the week for August 24

Pandemic joke:

Q: Why do they call it the novel coronavirus?
 

A: It’s a long story…

Military joke:

What’s the difference between God and a Air Force pilot?
 

God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Legal joke:

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Random Photo:

Map of California fire camps August 2020

Jokes of the week for August 17

Pandemic joke:

Excuses 2019:  I'm not an alcoholic.  I swear I was hosting a party.

Excuses 2020:  I didn't host a party.  I'm just an alcoholic.

Military joke:

Words of wisdom from the front lines:

The coffee tastes better if the latrines are downstream from the encampment

Legal joke:

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

Random Photo:

Need some cold weather!

Jokes of the week for August 10

Pandemic joke:

Thirty days hath September,

April, June, and November,

All the rest have thirty-one 

Except March which has 8000

Military joke:

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

Legal joke:

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."

The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for August 3

Pandemic joke:

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

Military joke:

The reason the branches all bicker among themselves is because they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, look at the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Legal joke:

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Random Photo:

Happy cow