Legal Definitions - C

A to Z Blogging Challenge.  My topic is LEGAL DEFINITIONS EXPLAINED IN PLAIN [AND HOPEFULLY HUMOROUS] ENGLISH.

Calendar – The list of cases the court will hear that day. The position of a case on the calendar is directly proportional to the time and location of the attorney's next hearing, and the state of the traffic congestion. For example, if an attorney is required to appear at a 1:30pm hearing in a courthouse approximately 50 miles away from the courthouse where the morning hearing is scheduled, the morning case will be calendared as item 40 or later, and the main arterial freeway linking the courthouses will be closed for the day because of a 10 car pile-up. This same attorney will also generally have three briefs waiting at the office to be finished, all of which must be filed in their respective courthouses by 5pm that same day.

Chambers – The judge's office. Each individual judge's chambers is separately stocked with every conceivable volume of code and case book, despite the high cost of each book, and also despite the fact that all codes and cases can be found online for a fraction of the cost of the books. [A computer monitor obviously doesn't look as impressive in the background of a photograph.] This is a contributing factor to the court's over-burdened budget, but when asked if they can forgo the purchase of the newest volume and/or share with another judge [shudder], approximately one-hundred percent of judges will insist a separate copy is required for them to competently perform their duties. Approximately ninety-nine percent of the new volumes will never be opened. Some are used to prop up computer monitors because there is no budget for replacement monitor arms, said budget having been used for the new volumes.

Charity – Most tenants facing eviction believe the landlord is a charity, which is why they ask the court to let them have “just a few more weeks” to move out, without offering to pay any money for that additional time.

Clerk – The judge's courtroom assistant. Most courtrooms are staffed by the judge, the bailiff, and the clerk. If an attorney wants to get anything accomplished, that attorney knows the pecking order [attorney is lower than a cockroach, see definition below], and is ALWAYS nice to the judge, the bailiff, and the clerk. The penalty for not being nice to the clerk, is that your case will suddenly be called at the end of the calendar, and your paperwork will somehow not be able to be located anywhere in the entire courthouse, despite the fact it was personally hand-delivered to the clerk earlier that same day.

Cockroach – A primitive, winged insect, altho it generally does not fly well. Flat, oval body, crawls faster than the speed of light. Eats food, paper, clothing, books and dead insects, especially bedbugs. Therefore, if you find yourself with a bedbug problem, just cultivate cockroaches in your home and you'll be fine.

Commissioner – A person, usually an attorney with a lot of experience or good connections, who is hired by the judges of a county to hear all the cases the judges don't want to hear themselves, which generally includes small claims, traffic, and evictions. In some counties, can also include criminal misdemeanors and juvenile dependency cases. Most commissioners are more knowledgeable regarding the law than most judges, but attorneys will never point that out to any judges, for fear their case will be re-calendared and their paperwork will disappear, see clerk above.

Complaint – The pleading filed by the Plaintiff/landlord which ninety-nine percent of the time states the tenant is a deadbeat, occasionally using that specific word. Not all Complaints are true.

Constitution – The legal document which ostensibly governs the laws and behaviors of the United States [federal Constitution] and individual states [state Constitution]. Quite a few tenants believe their constitutional rights are violated if they are evicted, because they “have the right to be housed in someone else's property even if they don't have permission and/or they can't afford to pay for it.”

Counsel – Another word for attorney and lawyer, generally used in a more formal context, as in when engaged in oral argument before the judge. “With all due respect to my esteemed opposing counsel, that argument is pure flatulence.”

Court – Another word for judge, used in the formal context of speaking with the judge and when referring to the judge. “If the court will remember our last hearing, my esteemed opposing counsel blew flatulence.” And altho Yes, Your Honor and No, Your Honor are always acceptable responses when answering the court's questions, only brave attorneys can substitute Your Honor in direct statements, as in “If Your Honor will remember our last hearing....” Attorneys desiring early retirement will use you, as in “If you'll remember....” Said attorneys are usually cut off mid-sentence and find their allotted time for oral argument has suddenly and unexpectedly ended. Those attorneys may additionally discover the clerk cannot locate their paperwork, see clerk above.