Jokes of the week for December 28

Pandemic joke:

Day 110 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.

Day 111 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

 

Military joke:

Avoid being the first, the last, and the volunteer.
 

Incoming fire has the right of way.


Legal joke:

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer smiles and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

 

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Jokes of the week for December 21

Pandemic joke:

I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping. 

 

Military joke:

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?”
 

“My father said it’d be a good idea, sir.”
 

“Oh? And what does your father do?”
 

“He’s in the Army, sir.”

~~

Navy pilot: “That’s it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!”
 

Co-pilot: “What?”

 

Legal joke:

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

 

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for December 14

Pandemic joke:

Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You must gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Military joke:

A kid fresh from high school wants to join the Navy. “Can you swim?” asks the recruiter.
“Why? Don’t y’all have boats?”

Air Force Pilot to a Seaman: “You’re telling me that you’re in the Navy but can’t swim?”
Seaman: “You’re in the Air Force. Can you fly?”

Legal joke:

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. 

 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. 

 

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. 

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. 

 

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. 

 

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Random Photo:

Christmas is coming!

Jokes of the week for December 7

Pandemic joke:

Day 256 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited I can’t decide what to wear.

Military joke:

Helicopter nicknames
USAF: Birds
USA: Choppers
USN: Helos
USMC: OHH! OHH OHOH! (pointing at the sky)

Legal joke:

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Random Photo:

California Fire Tornado, 2020

Jokes of the week for November 30

Pandemic joke:

Dear Diary:
Day 4 – 8 p.m.: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Military joke:

What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces?

They all originally set out to become Marines.

Legal joke:

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
 

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Random Photo:

Winter is coming

Jokes of the week for November 23

Pandemic joke:

Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Military joke:

During deployment on the Aircraft Carrier Midway, there was an inspection by a visiting Admiral. 

All Navy and Marine personnel lined up in formation for the Admiral. While walking past several Sailors asking questions and receiving appropriate answers the Admiral stopped in front of a Marine and asked “What’s the first thing you do after hearing “Man Overboard?” 

Without hesitation, the Marine asked “Officer or Enlisted?”

Legal joke:

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for November 16

Pandemic joke:

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said: “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.”

 

Military joke:

The morning radio announcer on the AFES station in Anchorage AK was giving the time one morning.

For those of you in the Air Force, it is 8 AM.
For the Army, it is 0800 hours.
For the Navy, it is 8 bells.
For the Marines, the little hand is on the 8 and the big hand is on the 12.

Legal joke:

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

 

Random Photo:

It's Fall!

Jokes of the week for November 9

Pandemic joke:

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Military joke:

An Airman, Soldier, and Marine are sitting around talking about hardships they faced on their last deployment.
 

Airman: “The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside!”
 

Soldier: “WTF, you had air conditioners?”
 

Marine: “Wait, stop. You had tents?”

Legal joke:

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

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Jokes of the week for November 2

Pandemic joke:

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Military joke:

Two Army 2nd Lts in North Carolina were going into the Training Area at night and were arguing about distances.
 

One said, “OK, Smarty, which is closer, Florida or the Moon?”
 

The second one said, “DUH? The moon is closer. You can’t see Florida!”

Legal joke:

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

 

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

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Jokes of the week for October 26

Pandemic joke:

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

PSA: Don't forget to change your clocks on November 1, 2020.  Spring ahead, FALL BACK.  Get that extra hour of sleep!

Military joke:

Just because there are no complaints, doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

Legal joke:

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for October 19

Pandemic joke:

So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

Military joke:

What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet?

The jet stops whining once you turn the engine off.

Legal joke:

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. After a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the trial.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for October 12

Pandemic joke:

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.

Military joke:

What’s the ideal cockpit crew? A dog and a pilot.

The pilot is there to feed the dog. The dog is flying so that he can bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

Legal joke:

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for October 5

Pandemic joke:

PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.

Military joke:

A short list of problems reported by a pilot, followed by the mechanic’s response.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

Legal joke:

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. 

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

Random Photo:

Autumn colors

Jokes of the week for September 28

Pandemic joke:

Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

Military joke:

What’s the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. Doubt it? Stop the propeller and watch the pilot sweat.

Legal joke:

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
 
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Random Photo:

Autumn is here!

Jokes of the week for September 21

Pandemic joke:

I need to practice social distancing from ... the refrigerator.

Military joke:

An F-16 comes careening down the runway. It’s anything but smooth — fishtailing and leaving a line of burnt rubber and sparks behind it.

Tower: “Need any assistance, Airman?”
 
Pilot: “I don’t know, Tower, we’re not done crashing yet!”

Legal joke:

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
 
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
 
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
 
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
 
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
 
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Random Photo:

Tomorrow is the first day of autumn!

Jokes of the week for September 14

Pandemic joke:

I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Military joke:

How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?
He says, “Enough about me. Want to hear about my plane?”

Legal joke:

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Random Photo:

Iceland in summer

This is the last week of summer.  As a resident of SoCal living with smoky skies, summer can't end soon enough!

Jokes of the week for September 7

Pandemic joke:

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

Military joke:

Air Force Fact - The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Legal joke:

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Random Photo:

Summer scenery, Victoria Australia

Jokes of the week for August 31

Pandemic joke:

"Anyone else's car getting three weeks to the gallon?"

"Never in my life would I imagine that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth."

Military joke:

Emergency management: “Always remember that if one engine fails on a dual-engine plane, you’ll still have enough power to safely reach the scene of the crash.”

Legal joke:

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Random Photo:

I'd love to live here!

Jokes of the week for August 24

Pandemic joke:

Q: Why do they call it the novel coronavirus?
 

A: It’s a long story…

Military joke:

What’s the difference between God and a Air Force pilot?
 

God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Legal joke:

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Random Photo:

Map of California fire camps August 2020

Jokes of the week for August 17

Pandemic joke:

Excuses 2019:  I'm not an alcoholic.  I swear I was hosting a party.

Excuses 2020:  I didn't host a party.  I'm just an alcoholic.

Military joke:

Words of wisdom from the front lines:

The coffee tastes better if the latrines are downstream from the encampment

Legal joke:

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

Random Photo:

Need some cold weather!

Jokes of the week for August 10

Pandemic joke:

Thirty days hath September,

April, June, and November,

All the rest have thirty-one 

Except March which has 8000

Military joke:

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

Legal joke:

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."

The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Random Photo:

Jokes of the week for August 3

Pandemic joke:

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

Military joke:

The reason the branches all bicker among themselves is because they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, look at the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Legal joke:

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Random Photo:

Happy cow

Jokes of the week for July 27

Pandemic joke:

What did the man say to the bartender?

I’ll have a corona, hold the virus. 

Military joke:

Why do military men often marry lovers from the foreign countries in which they’re deployed?

Because when they finally come home, they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away. 

Legal joke:

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Random Photo:

I searched for "happy horse" and this was one of the first photos.  He definitely looks furry.  My guess is this is a cold climate.  Anyone know what type of horse this is?

Jokes of the week for July 20

Pandemic joke:

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face?

A glass of wine in each hand.

Military joke:

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent…
 
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
 
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
 
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

Legal joke:

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
 
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Random Photos:

Normal NYC Times Square

COVID NYC Times Square

Jokes of the week for July 13

Pandemic joke:

Man attempts to obtain COVID-19 test.

Dept. Public Health: Have you visited any countries where there's been an outbreak in the last two weeks.

Man:  Yes, I live in California.

Military joke:

What month do all troops hate?

March

Legal joke:

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands.

The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat.

As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling around his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."

Random Photo:

In honor of the above joke, here's a swimming rat