Monday, July 27, 2020

Jokes of the week for July 27

Pandemic joke:

What did the man say to the bartender?

I’ll have a corona, hold the virus. 

Military joke:

Why do military men often marry lovers from the foreign countries in which they’re deployed?

Because when they finally come home, they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away. 

Legal joke:

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Random Photo:
I searched for "happy horse" and this was one of the first photos.  He definitely looks furry.  My guess is this is a cold climate.  Anyone know what type of horse this is?

Monday, July 20, 2020

Jokes of the week for July 20

Pandemic joke:

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face?

A glass of wine in each hand.

Military joke:

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent…

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

Legal joke:

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.

The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Random Photos:

Normal NYC Times Square

COVID NYC Times Square

Monday, July 13, 2020

Jokes of the week for July 13

Pandemic joke:

Man attempts to obtain COVID-19 test.

Dept. Public Health: Have you visited any countries where there's been an outbreak in the last two weeks.

Man:  Yes, I live in California.

Military joke:

What month do all troops hate?


Legal joke:

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands.

The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat.

As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling around his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."

Random Photo:

In honor of the above joke, here's a swimming rat

Monday, July 6, 2020

Jokes of the week for July 6

Pandemic joke:

My 30th birthday is today but I want everyone to know that I am postponing it indefinitely because of COVID-19.  I will turn 30 at a later date.  Thank you.

Military joke:

How different military branches use stars:

The Army sleeps under the stars
The Navy navigates by the stars
And the Air Force chooses hotels by the stars

Legal joke:

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Random Photo:

In case you missed seeing fireworks